A New Form of Torture
by Avalon Estel
Summary: Set of dishes from Far Harad: 50 copper coins. New upholstery: 35 silver coins. Purebred horse: 42 gold coins. The look on Erestor's face when you tell him he's watching the kids: priceless. ON HIATUS.
1. Assignments

A New Form of Torture

A/N: This story was posted once before. It was, however, deleted. I am risking posting it again, as I think it's been long enough. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where it all started. Peanut-butter!Lindir, Stupidly-vain!Glorfindel, and all the rest.

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* * *

Chapter One: Assignments _

Elrond was packing.

He gleefully pulled robe after robe from his ornately carved wardrobe and stuffed it into his travel bag, smiling. That was rare. Elrond never smiled.

Erestor walked past Elrond's door, seeing the Elven-Lord quickly emptying his wardrobe. "Lord Elrond, where are you going?" he asked, watching Elrond hurry back and forth.

"Oh!" Elrond gasped, dropping the midnight-blue robe he was carrying. "There's a large…meeting – that's it, a meeting – coming up in Lothlorien, and I must be there."

"A meeting?" Erestor repeated, a dark eyebrow quirked.

"Yes," Elrond answered, nodding quickly. "A meeting."

"Of course, milord." Erestor bowed and walked away. As he walked away, he heard a strange sound drifting out of Lord Elrond's room. He put a hand on the doorframe and looked inside.

Elrond was _humming_!

Erestor's eyes widened and he left the doorway, his back to the wall next to it. Elrond was humming? That was even more rare than a smile! With a chuckle, he realized that Elrond was humming a very botched version of a famous Elvish ballad. He was horribly off-key! Who would have thought!

* * *

That evening, Erestor sat at his desk in his study, hunched over a very frustrating Quenya translation. Exhausted, he buried his hands in his lengthy hair and bowed his head over his work. Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he jumped, scattering scrolls and parchment every which way. 

He looked up. Glorfindel was standing next to him, twirling a strand of golden hair around his finger.

"Yes?" Erestor asked, imagining a violent scene involving Glorfindel and the paperweight on his desk. "What is so important that you have to interrupt my work for the _fifteenth_ time today?"

"Lord Elrond wants us in his study," Glorfindel shrugged, still twisting his locks.

Erestor sighed and got to his feet. Glorfindel stared at him. That hair-twirling was getting on Erestor's nerves. "Will you cut that out!" he shouted, grabbing the other elf's finger and jamming it down at his side.

"Okay, sheesh, _touchy_," Glorfindel muttered.

"I wonder what Lord Elrond wants," Erestor said.

"Who knows?" Glorfindel replied. "It could be anything. We're his advisors. We support him, work for him, and do his dirty work."

"Like assassinations?" Erestor asked.

"No, like his dirty laundry."

* * *

Erestor stared at Elrond, dumbstruck. When he finally found his voice again, he said, "But Lord Elrond, you just can't _do_ this to me!" 

"Yes, I can," Elrond smirked.

"Well, I know you can. But _must_ you?"

"It's unavoidable. All the other elves in Imladris must be present at the…meeting tomorrow, and I need someone to do this," Elrond reasoned.

"But the twins?" Erestor protested.

"As I said, it's unavoidable."

"But I'm your best advisor!" Erestor cried.

Glorfindel elbowed him in the ribs. Hard.

"Um, _one_ of your best advisors," Erestor amended.

"Yes, you're my advisors. You support me, work for me – "

"And do your dirty work," Glorfindel finished.

"Perfect! Right on the money," Elrond said.

"Money?" Glorfindel asked. "Where?"

Erestor smacked him on the back of the head. "It's an _expression_."

"So, will you do it?" Elrond asked.

"Well, what choice do we have?" Erestor replied. "But can't they take care of themselves now?"

"Are you crazy? If the Last Homely House burns down, I can't be blamed!"

Suddenly, there was a crash from another room. "Sorry, Dad!" one of the twins called.

"I rest my case," Elrond said.

* * *

Erestor had returned to his study. He was picking up his translations, trying to sort them back into their proper order. All of a sudden, a large, pale-brown blob fell on the ground in front of him. Thinking it was Glorfindel, he jerked his head up to see – 

"Lindir?"

"Is this a bad time?" Lindir asked, holding a spoon and a strange-looking jar labeled JIF.

"What are you eating?"

"Penud budda," Lindir said, the spoon crammed into his mouth.

"What, by the Valar, is 'penud budda'?"

Lindir pulled the spoon out. "Not 'penud budda'. _Peanut butter_."

"And that is?" Erestor asked.

"Never mind what it is. What's this about everyone going to Lorien tomorrow?"

"Elrond says there's going to be a meeting, but I don't believe him. I think it's going to be some sort of party. Remember when Thranduil had his birthday party, and he told us he was going to fight the Dark Lord?"

Lindir nodded, the spoon in his mouth again.

"Why are you asking? Aren't you going?" Erestor continued, getting to his feet.

"No, I wasn't invited. What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Baby-sitting," Erestor said, sitting the scrolls on his desk.

"Who?" Lindir asked. He dunked his spoon in the peanut butter.

"The twins," Erestor sighed, dropping into his chair.

"I'll help you, then," Lindir said. "Glorfindel can hardly be counted on."

Remembering Glorfindel's comments about Elrond's "dirty work", Erestor mentally agreed with Lindir. "I've got a feeling I'll need your help."

* * *

A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I _love_ this stuff. And to everyone who loves these characters, I want you to know that I do, too, but it's so much fun to mess with their personalities. Review please, and please don't curse! 


	2. Departures

A New Form of Torture

_Chapter Two: Departures_

Erestor woke late the next morning on account of his Quenya translations. Bleary-eyed, he made his way to the kitchen and poured himself some tea. He watched grudgingly as all of Imladris readied themselves to leave, saddling their horses, checking travel bags. He put down his teacup and massaged his temples. This was going to be a long couple of days.

"Somfig wong," said a voice behind him.

"What?" Erestor asked, irritated. He was not in the mood to deal with Glorfindel this morning.

"I asked if something was wrong." It was Lindir. Erestor shook his head. That blasted peanut butter again!

"I would say something's wrong!" Erestor exclaimed, whirling around, robes fluttering. "I have to deal with those twin terrors for the next two days!"

"Well, why don't you try talking to Lord Elrond again?" Lindir suggested.

"I will!" Erestor stalked out of the kitchen.

"You forgot your tea!" Lindir called after him.

"I don't want it!"

Lindir looked at the cup, shrugged, and followed after the advisor.

He found him in Elrond's room.

"I don't _believe_ this!" Erestor cried, holding a crumpled note in his hands.

"Don't believe what?" Lindir asked from beside him.

"This!" Erestor flung the parchment at him, and Lindir, having finally abandoned his peanut butter jar, caught it clumsily. He smoothed it out and began reading.

_Ha! Ha! Ha!_

_Sorry, 'Stor, but I headed out early! I knew you'd be here to try to change my mind, but I beat you! _

_Your Evil Lord and Leader,_

_Elrond_

_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

"I don't believe it either," Lindir said, dropping the letter in shock.

"I'm getting Glorfindel," Erestor announced. He dashed out of Elrond's room and down the hall. Sighing, Lindir followed him, but not before he'd reunited with his JIF. He was going to need some sort of comfort when this was through.

He found the advisor in Glorfindel's room, blustering at the golden-haired Elf, who'd taken quite vainly to that title, and was brushing out his lengthy tresses for the third time that morning.

"Would you put down that brush?" Erestor shouted.

"Fine, fine," Glorfindel muttered, setting the brush on his bedside table. "Happy?"

"Oh, forget it! You didn't hear a word I said anyway, did you?"

"Nope," Glorfindel said cheerfully, now carefully braiding his hair.

Erestor stumbled to the doorway, clutching onto it for dear life. "Elladan, Elrohir!" he called, savoring his last few moments of freedom.

"What is it, Uncle 'Stor?" the twins asked sweetly in unison as they stepped into the room.

Erestor shivered. He hated when they talked at the same time. "How many times must I tell you not to call me 'Uncle 'Stor'?" he demanded. "It's Erestor, _Erestor_!"

"Sorry, _Erestor_," Elrohir said. Or was it Elladan? "We were only – "

" – Trying to be polite," the other finished. "What was it – "

" – You wanted?"

Erestor shivered again. It was even worse when they completed each other's sentences. "Your father has gone to Lothlorien for a _meeting_ along with the entire population of Imladris, excluding us," the advisor said, gesturing to the small group they'd become. The twins were gazing at him in phony innocence, Glorfindel was humming and pinning a braid daintily to the back of his head, and Lindir was sucking on a spoon of peanut butter. _How pathetic_, he thought.

"So you want to tell us – "

" – That we have to behave."

"Exactly," Erestor said.

"Very well, _Erestor_," one twin said. "We'll be – "

" – In the kitchen, making ourselves breakfast."

The twins hurried optimistically down the hallway, practically skipping.

"Did you hear that?" Erestor asked in astonishment, turning to the other adult Elves.

Lindir nodded. Glorfindel twisted in his seat, looking at him blankly. "What?"

"I asked if you heard what those Elflings said."

"Nope," Glorfindel told him, looking back at the mirror.

Erestor related the conversation.

When he was finished, Glorfindel was staring at him in disbelief.

"They said _that_? They actually _agreed_ to be _good_?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then they're most likely up to no good," the other advisor confirmed, turning back to his mirror.

"Aren't you coming to see what it is?" Erestor asked.

"Nope."

"I can't believe this!" Erestor threw his hands up in the air and stalked down the corridor after the twins.

Lindir and Glorfindel were left alone in the room.

After a few moments, Glorfindel looked at Lindir, who was hovering over his shoulder. "Do you mind?"

"Off corth noot," Lindir replied.

"_What_?"

"Of course not."

"What are you eating?" Glorfindel asked, wrinkling his perfect nose in distaste.

"Peanut butter," Lindir said, _then_ put the spoon back in his mouth. He didn't want any of that "penud budda" nonsense again.

* * *

Reviewer Responses:

Uinen Waterlily: Well, I'm glad I could be the one to provide it for you. (hugs) Thank you for putting me on your favorites lists!

eryn lasgalen elf: Go ahead! MWAHAHAHAHA! And I'm glad you liked it.

swee-haret179: You see, I was afraid that if I put it up too soon, they'd delete it again. So far, so good. Thank you!

seeing-spots: I'm absolutely honored that you like my work. I hope you enjoy this! Was that soon enough?

Malara: (sigh) It _has_ been a long time. However, it's up now, and updated! I actually have the third chapter written, as well as part of the fourth, so updates should be steady. Thank you, and have a great day, too!

matrixelf: I do get annoyed with those review boxes at times. I'm very glad you like it! Thank you!

Nawyn: Indeed, there is more. I feel bad for Erestor, too, but it's in the name of humor. Therefore it's forgiveable. (glances at Erestor) At least I think it is. Thank you!

Ithiliel Silverquill:Yes, it's up again. They took it down last time because it supposedly had "chat-speak". What I don't understand is why there are so many stories up here that have script form, and they're not taken down, yet mine doesn't, and it was. Blasted computerized systems. They are annoying at times. Good to see you here! Thank you!

Nolitari: Thank you! I'm glad you like it, and I hope I updated soon enough! Poor Erestor, indeed.

Thank you, everyone. Your words are very much appreciated.


	3. Pranksters

A New Form of Torture

_Chapter Three: Pranksters_

Erestor hurried down the hall, afraid of what he might find. As he neared the kitchen, he heard a _thud_, and a quiet "Oops." That made him speed up. He reached the door and jerked it open. On the floor sat the twins, stifling giggles and smearing peanut butter on the strings of Lindir's harp.

"_What_ are you _doing_?" Erestor demanded in horror.

"Oh! We were just – that is…" trailed off the first twin. Erestor mentally confirmed to himself that this was Elladan, because he wore one braid instead of two. That was one of the Elfling's quirks.

"…Uh, but doesn't Lindir _like_ peanut butter?" asked Elrohir, trying to look blameless. Though that look affected some of the more gullible Elves, it didn't charm Erestor.

"He does, but that doesn't mean he likes it on his harp!" The advisor was having a hard time keeping his temper in check. He took the harp from them, and stepped back into the doorway – and right into Lindir.

"Mihawp!" Lindir cried as Glorfindel caught him from behind.

"What?" Elladan and Elrohir asked together.

"His harp," Glorfindel translated, setting the minstrel Elf upright. His hands flew to his head to make sure every hair was in place, then turned and checked his reflection in a very conveniently placed mirror.

"What happened?" Lindir asked, snatching the instrument from Erestor's hands and clutching it protectively, his knuckles white.

"The twins," Erestor replied, pointing at the grinning Elflings.

"What is that stuff?" Glorfindel asked, pointing at the strings.

Lindir removed some of the brown goo with his finger, then licked it experimentally. "Peanut butter," he answered. He quickly went into the kitchen and pulled a spoon from the silverware drawer, and began scraping the peanut butter from the strings and eating it.

"I will never touch that harp," Glorfindel stated, shivering slightly.

"Oh, grow up," Erestor sighed. He walked over to the twins and grabbed each of them by a pointed ear. "Now that you've had your breakfast, we'll be starting your lessons."

"But Uncle 'Stor…" Elladan protested.

"It's Erestor, and you'll be studying history with Glorfindel first!" Erestor shouted, pulling the Elflings into their study room and seating them at the circular table where they had their lessons. He then left to look for Glorfindel.

He didn't have to look far.

Glorfindel was in the chief advisor's own study, admiring his perfectly arched eyebrows in a hand mirror. Erestor strained himself trying to smother his violent impulses, which were encouraging him to grab Glorfindel's mirror, shatter it against a wall, and then roughly undo all the Balrog-slayer's carefully-tied braids. Then, he began to wonder how in Arda Glorfindel had managed to kill a Balrog in the first place. He got a sudden image of Glorfindel dancing around, blinding it to death with the shimmer of his golden locks. Shaking off the thought, he yanked the mirror out of Glorfindel's hand and none too gently stuck it in his own pocket.

"Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?" Glorfindel demanded. Erestor said nothing, simply grabbed his wrist and half-dragged him down the corridor. The Elf shouted and protested the whole way, but Erestor ignored him, and when they got to the study room, he forcefully shoved Glorfindel into the unoccupied seat, slammed the history book down in the middle of the table, and stalked out the door.

He lingered outside momentarily, and was deeply satisfied to hear Glorfindel suddenly cry, "I am _not_ your grandfather! How dare you imply that I'm Elrond's father!"

Erestor walked away laughing.

He returned a half hour later to check on them. He opened the door a crack and glanced inside, and his sharp Elven hearing caught Glorfindel's "lesson".

"And then so-and-so fought so-and-so, defeating the tribe of Blah, and allowing what's-his-face to become king," he was saying in a monotone.

Erestor was shocked. "What are you doing?" he demanded.

Glorfindel looked up at him with a bored expression, his hair spread limply across his slumping shoulders. "Teaching history," he shrugged.

Erestor sighed and buried his face in his hands, trying to hold back tears of frustration.

* * *

Reviewer Responses: 

KitKat88: Yes! I'm blasphemous, aren't I? I'm glad you like it. Thank you!

Malara: I'm glad you liked it! "Chaos" is the right word. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thanks!

Wingsister: I'm happy you're enjoying it. Thank you.

RMC: It really is, and they are some of my favorite characters. I actually came up with peanut butter!Lindir while eating a peanut butter sandwich. Ironic, no? Thank you!

SilverWolf7: I'm sorry you did, but I'm glad you like it. Evil Lord Elrond is fun, and Peanut butter!Lindir is a frequent character in my humor fics (which I have a lot of). Thank you for your review!

Elf-lover: I'm happy you're enjoying it. I would hope I spelled their names right, because I write about them all the time! Thank you very much, and there's your next chapter!

Earendil Eldar: Erestor is great, but where would we be without Glor? Thank you!

matrixelf: I'm glad you like it. You showed it to your friends? I'm happy that they enjoyed it. I liked writing Elrond's letter. There's more! Thank you!

SirNotAppearingInThisFilm: Yes, poor Erestor. Good luck with your English assignment! And thank you for the review!

seeing-spots: I'm very glad you're enjoying it. I adored "The Halls of Mandos" when I read it. Yes, that probably would have made it better. Too bad I didn't think of it. I enjoy Vain!Glorfindel, as well! Thank you!

swee-haret179: There you go, next chapter! Ooh, DQ! I want a Peanut Buster Parfait! Thank you very much!

Kalayna: I don't either. I had to increase three of my stories' ratings to K plus, because I didn't think some of the content (mild, mild violence) was suitable for six-year-olds. About Lindir's "peanud budda" - I do, too! Thank you!

Napolde of the Council: Oh, we're going to need a lot more than that. Thank you for your review!

Ithiliel Silverquill: (hugs Erestor) I always torture him, don't I? I feel bad for him. It takes Glorfy about an hour or so to get it done, if I'm correct. (falls over laughing) I'm such a dork. Computers are evil. Mine crashed. Thankfully, I had all my files saved on a Jump Drive, so I didn't lose anything important. Thank you for reviewing!

Many thanks again to everyone! I really appreciate your reviews!


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